


I Can't Say...

by super_sides_me



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Feelings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 18:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14314698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/super_sides_me/pseuds/super_sides_me
Summary: Virgil comes to the realization that he sees Logan as more than just a friend.





	I Can't Say...

**Author's Note:**

> Original Prompt: Could you write a Logan/Virgil oneshot where Virgil is having trouble telling Logan his feelings?

It happened kind of suddenly. At the time, it hadn’t seemed like there was anything very different about his relationship with Logan versus his relationship with his two other friends. They hung out, ate together, watched TV together, and talked about what friends talked about. They’d acted the same way since elementary school and Virgil hadn’t noticed otherwise…until more recently.  
  
Virgil wasn’t a touchy person. He didn’t openly say how he was feeling when it came to things like caring or loving. He preferred to keep that inside. He also wasn’t physically touchy. Patton loved to hug and cuddle and Roman allowed it from people he was close to, but Logan wasn’t one for affection and Virgil even more so. Not that they never hugged or made any physical contact with others, but it was uncommon and between the two of them specifically was extremely rare.  
  
In this particular instance, Logan had just come back from a three-week trip. Patton dragged them all back together right when Logan got home, so they could see each other again. Patton squished Logan in a tight hug, Roman welcomed him warmly with his own embrace, and Virgil looked at Logan awkwardly. Friends since childhood, but somehow Virgil could still feel uncomfortable interacting with him. It was his own feelings, he knew, but it didn’t make it any better. He couldn’t remember the last time he and Logan had actually hugged. It must have been when they were young, probably a decade ago. Neither of them ever initiated anything like a hug, so it didn’t happen.  
  
Virgil was ready to just give him a wave and a “Welcome back,” but Logan took a step forward and opened his arms up. Virgil would never decline the hug. Logan wasn’t a stranger and he didn’t want to make things tense between them, so he met him in the middle and, well, they hugged. It felt strange, but not in a bad way. Logan’s hug was much more firm than he would have imagined, his arms tight around his waist. Virgil kept his arms relatively loose, but comfortable around Logan’s neck, his chin nearly touching his shoulder. It was different than when he would hug Patton or Roman. With Patton it was like a father eager to show his love for his son. With Roman it was like hugging a close friend or maybe even a brother, but with Logan it was something he didn’t recognize. A mixture of both a lightness and tense feeling in his chest, a shiver as they met each other’s touch, and this instance of too long, but not long enough.  
  
The hug lasted about two seconds. Logan pulled back first and gave Virgil what he could only take as a reassuring smile, which he returned. They stepped back from each other and Virgil’s eyes stayed on Logan even as Patton passed his view and began to ask Logan about his trip. That feeling was still in his chest, even tighter now, and he felt a sort of coldness.  
  
He hadn’t realized what it was or maybe he did and he was just concealing it, but over the month after, his feelings had never been so clear.  
  
Virgil was in love with Logan.  
  
It wasn’t just the hug, though that lingered in his mind for weeks. After that moment he couldn’t take his eyes off Logan. Maybe it was bewilderment of his new founded feelings or maybe he just realized now how much he looked at him on a regular basis. During this time he noticed a lot of things. Like how Logan often averted other’s gazes when he laughed or covered his mouth those rare times when he went into a full on fit of laughter. Or how he would occasionally nod when listening to others and furrow his brow when they said something not quite right. Or how he would bite his lip just for a split second when he as thinking, trying to remember something. Each little mannerism stuck out more than the last and were so endearing.  
  
Virgil didn't know how to handle these feelings. He'd felt something like love before with others, but never someone he was close to, someone he would see so often. Even if he wanted to keep a distance from Logan, he wouldn't be able to. Roman and Patton were constantly planning new things to do together and he couldn't say no or else they would be worried or suspicious. At first he just dealt with it. He'd convinced himself the feeling would pass sooner or later and he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore, but, to his displeasure, the feelings only grew.  
  
His feelings, his love, began to anger him. It was making him clumsy. He was fumbling and making a fool of himself. He was good at keeping most of his feelings hidden a majority of the time. His sadness, his anxiety, and even his happiness, but there were other emotions he had trouble keeping at bay. There was the love and what came with it. Whenever he was around Logan now, whenever he saw him do something that made his heart flutter, his body reacted to it. His cheeks might redden, he had difficulty speaking and finding the right words in situations, and he couldn't keep his eyes off of him. It only worsened over time as did his anger.  
  
His anger seeped out and turned into bitterness and unjust hostility. Specifically hostility towards Logan. Virgil knew that Logan didn't deserve any rudeness his way, but he couldn't stop whatever came from his mouth.  
  
Virgil had been acting strange the past few months and Logan was the only one to truly take notice. It must have concerned him and that was why when the four of them had gone out for drinks, Logan sat by him while the other two chatted. Virgil hadn't expected Logan to sit near him especially since he'd purposefully sat further way from the group. Maybe that was why Logan made the effort.  
  
“Shots today.” Logan noted, motioning to the glass Virgil had in his hand. “That's unusual for you.”  
  
“Sometimes unusual is good.” Virgil said, not quite making eye contact. He'd had about four shots so far and the fact that he was a light weight made him feel it more than he should have.  
  
“Perhaps. Though too much unusual can be detrimental and honestly, Virgil, you've been very unusual.”  
  
“What are you trying to say?” Virgil knew what Logan was hinting at. He knew this was coming, he'd just hoped it would wait a little longer. Maybe...forever?  
  
“Is everything alright?”  
  
“Yeah, why wouldn't it be?” As he said it, his voice wavered.  
  
“That's what I'm trying to figure out.” He spoke quietly, almost mumbled to the point that Virgil could barely make out what he'd said.  
  
“You don't need to figure anything out.” It came out as more of a hiss than he'd wanted it to, that hostility automatically coming out to create a protective barrier around the frailness within.  
  
“If there's something wrong, we will be there for you. It's disconcerting how you've been acting. You're more withdrawn than usual and your mind seems to be wondering. You just...stare. Like you're in a trance. It's unlike you.”  
  
Fuck. He'd noticed the staring. It was probably the one thing he didn't know how to lie about. “How would you know?” He spoke, harshly, almost accusingly. He kept his eyes on his shot, just watching, not drinking. He clenched onto it tightly, already regretting opening his mouth in the first place, but it was like his body and voice weren't cooperating with each other. “You know me about as much as I know you and I know nothing about you.” _Lies_. “Not even the simple things. I don't know how you like your coffee.” _Black with one sugar._ “I don't know what you do in your spare time.” _Star gazing, piano playing, bird watching..._ “I can't even pick out your favorite color.” _Blue._ “We barely even talk if Roman or Patton aren't around. If it weren't for them, I doubt you'd want to be friends with me.” That last statement...he feared to be true.  
  
Virgil didn't bother to look at Logan and try to justify the bullshit he'd spat. He didn't want to see the expression on his face and he didn't want Logan to see that he was on the verge of tears. He stood up quickly from his seat and sped out the bar, wishing that he'd just disappear. He walked in no particular direction, not headed for one place or another. He thought about calling for a ride, but he knew he needed to clear his head. He wasn't so drunk that he couldn't navigate his way around, but he was apparently so drunk that he didn't have a filter for the crap that spewed from his mouth when he was angry. Not at Logan, but himself for feeling the way he did.  
  
He'd wiped at his tears so much that his eyes were red and puffy, though no more tears came. He sniffled as he walked, his arms crossed, eyes to the ground. His legs were beginning to tire, but if he stopped he knew he would stay sat on the sidewalk and then he would need to call Patton to come pick him up and he didn't want to have to explain anything just yet. Or ever, if that were possible, but he was a reasonable guy and he knew that he would have to give the whole story within the next few days, if he were lucky to have that long.  
  
The phone in his pocket went off at least half a dozen times. Instead of looking at the messages or answering the calls, he put his phone on silent, but he could still see the screen light up from within his thin pockets. He hated that guilty feeling in his chest whenever he didn't answer. It was most likely one of his friends who were just worried about him. He wasn't okay and he knew they'd figured that out by now, but he didn't want them to be so worried.  
  
Virgil contemplated stopping by some place to at least get some water and then head home to get there within a reasonable time. He rubbed at his temple to try to soothe the headache he had, but just as he thought it might fade, he heard someone call his name beside him. He tensed up and glanced to the left where he saw a car only a few feet away. More specifically Logan's car. Great.  
  
“You've been walking for quite some time. You must be exhausted.” Logan said, leaning as best as he could to see Virgil. “I could take you home, if you wanted.” He opened the door and waited for his answer.  
  
Virgil's mind raced, thinking of an excuse to not go with him, though he knew it was most likely the best choice. Logan didn't seem to be upset with him, which was a good start. He gulped and nodded before entering the car. It was silent. Neither of them spoke a word. Virgil wasn't sure if he was grateful of the fact or if it made the situation more tense for him. The anticipation for Logan to speak was agonizing because he knew it would come, but he hadn't expected the fifteen minutes of silence on the car ride back to his house.  
  
Logan parked the car and waited for him to take his leave. Virgil stayed seated only a moment in case either of them wanted to speak, but when no words came out, he unbuckled his seat belt and and opened up the door. He turned to Logan to give his thanks and then got out of the car. Before he could leave, Logan stopped him with a gentle, “Virgil?”  
  
Virgil stopped and looked back towards Logan who eyed him cautiously. “Yeah?”  
  
“Is everything alright?”  
  
Virgil licked his lips nervously and gave a nod. It wasn't convincing in the slightest and he could only hope that Logan wouldn't push it any further. Not tonight.  
  
Logan watched him for a moment and then nodded. “Goodnight.”  
  
“Goodnight.” Virgil replied and then made his way into his house, breathing a sigh of relief. If he thought he heard Logan mumble something as he walked away, he convinced himself it was just his imagination.  
  
-  
  
The next morning, Virgil looked at his phone. He didn't get even a text from Logan, though he got several from Patton and Roman and eventually he heard a specific knocking at the door that he knew all too well. He pushed himself out of bed in the same clothes he'd had on the night before and answered it. He wasn't even able to greet Patton before he was wrapped in a tight hug. It wasn't new, but it was still somehow startling.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Patton asked as he pushed Virgil's bangs back to feel his forehead. Virgil couldn't be annoyed at his concern.  
  
“I'm fine.” He grumbled, his voice still a bit raspy from sleep.  
  
“You left so early last night. I thought something happened.”  
  
“No...nothing. Just wasn't feeling it.”  
  
“Logan was worried. He left to make sure you got home safe.” Patton smiled. “Looks like he did his job.”  
  
Virgil glanced down guiltily and nodded. “Yeah...looks like it...”  
  
Patton frowned and tilted his head. He gave him a look that Virgil hated because that look meant it was time to have a talk about his feelings. “What's on your mind, Virge?”  
  
Virgil bit his lip, only looking at Patton for a moment. “I fucked up.” He admitted. “With Logan.”  
  
“Whatever happened can be fixed! There's no way Logan would hold anything against you. Not for real. He's...well, he's Logan.”  
  
“I don't know, Patton. I said a lot of stuff and I know that it'll happen again and I can't just...change how I act. I'm me and I'm so...stupi-“  
  
“Precious.” Patton cut him off. “And perfect and special and a little hard to understand sometimes, but we love you anyway.”  
  
Virgil gave a half-hearted smile that lasted less than a second. “Thanks for the praise, but I don't think that can change how I feel.”  
  
“And how do you feel?”  
  
“I...I feel angry...because I don't know how to deal with my emotions.”  
  
“Which are?”  
  
“I'm...” Virgil's eyes drifted off to the side. When he looked back, he saw Patton looking at him with anticipation. He swallowed thickly. “I like—well, I think I—no, I know I like—” Virgil sighed and mumbled, “I'm in...like...with Logan.”  
  
Patton gasped. “In like!?”  
  
Virgil nodded. “In like.”  
  
“Like, in like like?”  
  
Virgil nodded again. “Yes, Patton. In like like.”  
  
“Aka. Love.” He grinned.  
  
Virgil groaned and sat down in the closest chair, covering his face.  
  
“Virgil!” He knelt down beside him and put his hand on Virgil's shoulder, squeezing tightly. “That's what this is about? I had no idea!”  
  
“I didn't tell anyone. For a good reason too.” He avoided looking at Patton, not wanting to lock eyes with the man.  
  
“You have to tell Logan!”  
  
Virgil's eyes widened. “No!” Only then he looked to Patton, his anxiety levels rising. “Never.”  
  
“B-but...” Patton looked displeased and a little lost. “How else will he know how you feel? If you never tell him then he won't have the chance to tell you he feels the same way and then you won't become a couple and you'll never get married and...you'll stay just friends forever.”  
  
“Better to keep him as a friend than lose him completely.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“If I tell him, he'll just tell me he doesn't feel the same way and then it'll be awkward and I'll have to live through every day knowing that I tried to ask out one of my best friends, who I lo—like and they rejected me.”  
  
“You won't know unless you take the chance! Why are you so sure Logan will reject you?”  
  
Virgil snorted. “Haven't you noticed that I like him a whole lot more than he likes me? The only reason he thinks of me as a friend in the first place is because you were friends with me. Even Roman hated me. If given the chance, if given enough time, Logan would realize that.”  
  
“Do we know the same Logan?” Patton asked, grabbing hold of Virgil’s hand. “I told you he was worried about you last night. He grabbed his keys and barely had enough time to explain why he was going before he left.”  
  
“It's cause I was a little drunk. Probably would've felt guilty if something happened to me when he knew I was doing shots.”  
  
“Or he was worried something was wrong.” Patton insisted. “Do you not remember when we had that movie marathon and Logan specifically brought three of your favorite movies even though he hates them? Or when we were in high school and there was that CD you really wanted, but it was out of stock everywhere you looked and then you found it in your locker the next day? Logan was the one who did that for you. Logan was the one who sewed the hole in your jacket when you were upset about it and whenever you were sick, he’d ask me how you were and then told me not to tell you. Whoops, probably shouldn’t have said that then.” Patton paused and then took a deep breath. “We all care about you, kiddo. Me, Roman, and especially Logan...and me.” He reiterated.  
  
Virgil didn’t know what to do. Part of him wanted to embrace what Patton said, but the other part rejected it. “But...”  
  
“No buts, Virgil!” Patton stood up enthusiastically. “You need to find a way to tell Logan how you feel! I know you won’t regret it!”  
  
Somehow, Patton’s words were actually encouraging him. After a long period of thinking, Virgil sighed deeply and nodded. He could do this. “Alright. But...”  
  
“But??”  
  
“How?”  
  
-  
  
After Virgil and Patton’s talk, they spent far too long trying to figure out how Virgil could confess his feelings to Logan. Virgil shut down all of Patton’s ideas almost immediately. They were either too ridiculous or just something Virgil wouldn’t do. Patton suggested calling Roman for advice, but Virgil declined with a hard no. There was no way he’d go to Roman for advice and he would never admit to him that he had feelings for Logan. That damned guy couldn’t keep his mouth shut for more than an hour when it came to what he referred to as “juicy gossip.”  
  
Almost a week passed and Virgil couldn’t gather the courage to just say how he felt to Logan. He’d tried, but each time Logan’s eyes met his, he changed his mind. Aside from his failed attempts at asking Logan out, he had been more careful with his emotions. He didn’t want any more lashing out, especially not like that night at the bar, which he still had to apologize for. No more displaced anger or rude behavior. His friends didn’t deserve that. Thankfully, the talk with Patton helped tremendously with that problem, though sometimes it still got to him and he needed to take a breather. Every time he thought about his issues, he wondered how he could think Logan would love someone like him. Sometimes he let it get to him, but other times the little Patton on his shoulder snapped him out of it and told him to keep moving forward.  
  
When he was alone with Patton, he would tell Virgil all these stories and remind him of times Logan came to his aid out of the goodness or his heart or did something for Virgil that a person wouldn’t do unless they truly cared. Virgil was thankful for the confidence boosters and they helped, but somehow he still couldn’t tell Logan.  
  
He’d practiced in the mirror, to a photo, and even to a stuffed animal Roman got him for Christmas one year and yet whenever he came face to face with Logan, he got tongue tied.  
  
After some time passed, Virgil realized he should take baby steps, so instead of proclaiming his love out of the blue, he should start with his apology and from there...hopefully he could figure something out.  
  
It was a night where the four of them had dinner together. Once it neared closer to seven, Patton was able to swiftly leave with Roman without many questions, leaving only Virgil and Logan. Logan offered to wash dishes and before he could decline, since it was Virgil’s house, Logan had already turned the faucet on.  
  
Virgil put away the leftover foods, thinking over how he could successfully bring up the topic without making it too awkward. The perfect moment arose when Logan offered him some wine. Virgil declined.  
  
“I’ve decided to stay away from alcohol for a while. Ever since...that time at the bar.”  
  
“I see...” Logan set the bottle down on the counter. “Another day, then.”  
  
Then silence.  
  
Virgil bit the inside of his cheek and watched as Logan wiped the counter top. “I’m sorry.” He said suddenly. When Logan stopped and looked at him, he suddenly felt small. “For that time, I mean. I...”  
  
Logan spoke before he could any more. “Apology accepted. You were drunk, in a bad mindset for whatever reason. It’s understandable, at the very least.”  
  
“I was upset.” He said, feeling only the slightest bit of relief, and continued after a pause. “At myself. And I took it out on you ‘cause you were part of the problem.” His eyes widened slightly. “That didn’t come out right. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just...” He stopped. He was already fucking this up. “It was because I-“ Was he really going to say this. “I was, I mean am...” He trailed off as Logan eyed him curiously. “I was jealous of you.” He lied. _Virgil you idiot._  
  
“Jealous of me?” Logan asked, partially surprised, partially unbelieving.  
  
“Yeah, I-“ There was no way he was going to continue with this lie. He sighed. “No. I was angry at myself for...” He looked at Logan, locking eyes with him. It was the worst thing he could’ve done in that moment. He felt heat rising in him, his palms sweaty, his heart thumping. “For thinking of you as...more than a friend. Like...maybe as a boyfriend.”  
  
“You..? Oh...” The realization dawned on him. Logan was left speechless.  
  
Virgil averted his gaze, waiting for that rejection he’d anticipated this whole time.  
  
“I had no idea you felt that way.”  
  
Virgil braced himself for the words. He didn’t know how they would be phrased. Maybe, ‘I don’t feel the same way.’ Or ‘I’m set on someone else.’ Or ‘I only see you as a friend.’ In the deepest corner of his mind, he thought that, maybe, he would hear pure disgust.  
  
“Virgil?” Logan’s voice was low and soothing. It wasn’t until Logan’s hand touched his shoulder that Virgil realized he’d been lost in his own thoughts. When their eyes met once again, Virgil was greeted with a warm smile.  
  
“If I had known,” Logan started. “I would have confessed my own feelings long ago.”  
  
“Your...what?” Virgil asked, wondering if he misunderstood.  
  
“I realized many years ago that I felt feelings far beyond any of friendship.” Logan's eyes darted back and forth. It was hard for Virgil to tell, but he was flustered. “Admittedly, I wasn’t fond of the idea of rejection, so I let my feelings continue unheard.”  
  
“You...liked me? For years?” This couldn’t be real.  
  
Logan nodded. “Maybe...middle school. 8th grade, actually.”  
  
“Middle school!?”  
  
“I had considered asking you on a date, but you were adamant on asking another boy you liked to the school dance; so I kept my distance and never took another chance afterward.”  
  
Virgil was so angry and happy and annoyed and utterly shocked that he wanted to scream. How could this have happened? Literally years. Logan had liked him for over a decade and Virgil couldn’t even handle having these feelings for a few months. Logan was a trooper. There were a lot of responses Virgil could have had in that moment, but instead of thinking, he let his body do whatever it wanted to do. No overthinking. Virgil leaned forward and took Logan’s lips in a short, chaste kiss that made him feel butterflies in his stomach and a bubbling happiness that overtook all his other emotions.  
  
When he pulled back, Logan was looking at him like he wouldn’t have expected that in a million years. Virgil didn’t blame him. He hadn't anticipated ever kissing him...ever. Logan's cheeks were tinted a light pink that ran down to his neck. Virgil couldn’t help the laughter that came from his mouth. Whether it was from amusement or happiness, he didn't know, but he was soon silenced by Logan’s lips firm yet gentle against his own. When their lips separated and Logan looked to him, Virgil was sure he had that same shocked expression on his face. The heat spread through Virgil’s cheeks and Logan’s smirk said it all.  
  
Virgil knew just how to get that look off of Logan's face. With a smirk of his own, he leaned in once more.


End file.
